


"I will prove it."

by ScarletxNight



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Car Accidents, Character Death, Coma, Family, Friendship, Gen, Medical Conditions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Singing, Trauma, auditions, dream - Freeform, dysphonia, friends - Freeform, idol dream, markson, slow burn markson?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-06-26 10:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19766566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletxNight/pseuds/ScarletxNight
Summary: Life has been hard on Youngjae. These past months more than ever.Loss, pain and sorrow accompany him like a shadow.When he gets the chance to reach for his greatest dream at the cost of what makes it even possible, will he do it?Will he fly like Icarus without burning down?My entry for the Got7 amino WritersClubLoosely based on "Icarus" by JJ Project and mentions of other Got7 songs.





	1. Prologue

Youngjae’s body felt like hell. His very own personal inner hell, no one would see or feel, just him. All alone in a place, where no one could save him from. What had happened? A roadtrip…they were on their way to the beach, driving for hours. His mind was fuzzy, only catching up with one word: _they._

Who? Of course, those who had always been with him: Jaebeom-hyung and Jinyoung-hyung. His inseparable best friends. Jackson was always joking around, that they were perfect for each other, all of them laughing, but no one denying this evident fact. Youngjae had soon realized, that their connection was something else than love, something deeper no psychologist or scientist had yet found a word for.

Youngjae loved them both like the brothers he never had. They were taking care of him, teaching him so many important things and of course, they were always there for him.

_Where were they now?_

It felt like his mind was split into many different fragments, parts of him were ‘numb’ feeling not alive at all, others where in the worst pain he had ever felt, and lastly, there was this clarity, he couldn’t pinpoint in the inner chaos he felt. Where was _he_? The second this question was out, his mind was flooded in lightning speed by memories, fast and cut into pieces.

The car. Jaebeom had laughed at another of Jinyoung’s old-man-jokes, something only those two could, making Youngjae groan in annoyance several times. Then everything went fast: The truck on their right sped up suddenly just to lose control right after. Jaebeom had tried to swerve to the side in time, to avoid the incoming truck from their right. They avoided it by a split second, only feeling a slight bump, which was enough to throw them off the small road and into the thicket.

Their little car going out of control in a frenzy, Jaebeom cursing, before screaming they should hold on tight. They were shaken horribly and then everything went dark. A shiver went through Youngjae’s mind. A car crash. They had been in a car crash. Was he dead? What about the others? Youngjae reached out of his thick clouded mind, trying to _feel_ anything. A sharp pain shot through his head and body, but he could feel it.

He was there.

It took some long seconds to open his heavy lids, but he finally succeeded. The confusion was a haze, hot and red. After trying to take in his surroundings, he furrowed his brows: everything was upside down? He looked down at his body for the first time. The sight of blood made him queasy, but he realized how he was still inside of the car, seatbelt on, while the car was turned upside down, lying on its back.

His stomach made a flip at this realization. He tried to get the seatbelt off, craning his neck, the pain suppressed by the rush of adrenaline. The front seats were empty, the windshield crushed and mostly gone. Just like the two people, who had sat in front. With a last desperate tug, came a click and he was falling onto the hard ceiling, groaning in pain. His throat was parched and thick, his whole body hurting so much.

No matter what, he needed to fight, to stay alive, to find his brothers. With all the strength he had left, Youngjae pulled himself forward through the crushed side window, his legs clumsy as he crawled out of the wreck, Jaebeom always called his baby. The shards cutting into his hands, arms, legs and everywhere else they touched. His body was in too much pain already to register that anyway.

As soon as his whole body was outside, he rolled onto his back to breathe more freely. His throat hurt badly. So painful…he swallowed it all to crane his head, still looking for his best friends. To his relief, he discovered them about four meters away from the wreck, they had not seen him yet. Jinyoung was on his stomach, trying to get up, holding onto Jaebeom’s pale hand, talking to him, while he laid on his back, eyes closed. Youngjae felt his heart and body freeze over as if he was lying on a thick blanket of ice. Was he…?

To his relief, he saw Jaebeom’s lips moving, answering to Jinyoung, who was sobbing bitterly, clutching his hands, still trying to get up. His leg was angled in a wrong way, probably broken through. Youngjae’s tears were streaming down, watching those two. He registered Jaebeom talking less, while Jinyoung was screaming and yelling at him now.

He went quiet, letting the younger’s yelling become hoarse and turn into a broken wail at the end. Youngjae had never seen someone cry so broken, but Jinyoung was Jinyoung. He kept his head low, whispering some last words, before he got up, his leg looking worse half-standing. He looked over the car wreck, his eyes glimmering with life, when he finally discovered Youngjae. Half limping, half crawling, he fell next to the younger, his legs giving in.

His hands were full of cuts, deep and ugly. Face fallen in the worst possible way, sorrow clawed into it, making him look like he was dead already. He grabbed onto Youngjae’s hand, his own trembling awfully. He looked down onto his hands, full of blood and deep cuts, wanting to pull them back. He knew, that Youngjae couldn’t see blood, but the younger grabbed hold onto them as if it was a lifeline, the only thing keeping him grounded to this side of the world.

Jinyoung’s tears were starting to stream down quietly again as he shushed Youngjae with a reassuring tone. He had started sobbing, without realizing it, his body shaking. Jinyoung was half leaning over him, face void of pain, fully concentrated on Youngjae. The younger’s broken voice cutting through the air: “Jaebeom-hyung…i-is he…?” Jinyoung’s hold tightened, making him stop. He took a shaky breath, voice ruined from all his screaming: “It’s okay, it’s fine.”

He kept saying the same words over and over again, like a mantra, him probably needing it as much as Youngjae, if not more. But Youngjae couldn’t stop, staring back at Jaebeom, who wasn’t moving at all: “Hyung…” Jinyoung shushed him again, a trembling hand running through Youngjae’s wet and muddy hair: “He said it’s alright. I should stay with you, but I can’t…” Jinyoung’s voice broke into a haggard breath, letting him curl onto himself in pain. Youngjae tightened his grip: “Please…”

“I am sorry Youngjae-ah, I really tried. I love you so much…but I can’t. Please forgive me.” It was then, that Youngjae’s hazy sight focused for a moment, seeing the elder’s face a little more clearly. He was pale, nearly devoid of any color, his forehead full with pearls of sweat from keeping everything together: the pain, the shock, the loss.

Before he could ask him, what he meant, Jinyoung collapsed next to him, his face hitting the hard ground, hand tight in Youngjae’s grasp, who started to scream, not caring about any pain anymore: “Hyung! Get up, Hyung! Please! Help!” He was yelling for hours, at least it felt like it, but the ambulance was there in less than eight minutes after the crash, the truck driver had called them in a frenzy, realizing what his microsleep behind the wheel had caused.

The paramedics were fast in their doing, running down to the crashed car without hesitation. But Youngjae didn’t see or hear any of this over his pain and sorrow. Screaming and screaming, until everything dried out, the words, his lungs, his mind. The darkness swept over him before the paramedics even started, making his mind fall back into the nothingness from before. _This was it_ _then_ , was his last conscious thought,

 _This is the end_.


	2. "From Hope to Vain"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8 months later.

Youngjae was clutching the piece of paper in his hand, making it wrinkle and crumble in his fist. He stared at the wide glass doors in front of him, unable to step forward, though he wanted it so much. Or did he? His mother would ground him, even if he was 20 now, if she knew what he was planning. And he would quietly comply, not wanting to raise her already high blood-pressure caused by him in the first place.

As if they knew what he was about to do, his phone rang. Jackson’s face lighted up on the screen making Youngjae furrow his forehead. Could he know? He took the call, turning away from the shining doors in front of him. “Where the hell are you? We have been waiting for you for an hour now! Yugyeom will eat everything by himself, even the cake- no, I mean the noodles! Noodles!!” He could hear calls and groaning in the background: “Jackson-ah!” “Hyung, you suck.” “It was supposed to be a surprise! You ruined it…yep suck.”

Youngjae couldn’t hide the smile, thinking about the faces on the other side of the call. They had planned a surprise party for him, oh dear. His heart fell a little at the thought of why. Eight months. It had been 8 months and it seemed like nothing had ever happened. As if they could live their lives the way they had before. All five of them. Not seven. The thought was feeling like death. The number tasting like poison on his tongue. He shut it down, like he always did, when it was too much.

”On my way.” Youngjae sighed. His words kept minimal, just like he had promised them all. No talking, if it was not necessary. Drinking a lot and no emotional outbursts. _Like a cute little doll behind glass_ , he thought bitterly. His heart had become cold anyways, no matter how much the others tried to cheer him up or distract him. He was broken in the worst possible ways.

”Hey boy, are you here to audition? Sorry, but we only do auditions once a year. You should come back then.” Youngjae nearly jumped at the voice of the man standing next to the doors, looking apologetically at him. He shook his head in response. The other one raised an eyebrow: “No? Then why? You are not working here, I would know.” Despite the voice inside of his head advising him to just bow and leave quietly, he spoke up.

As soon as he opened his mouth, the other furrowed his brows: “My name is Choi Youngjae, I want to pick up my tape. I was invited, but I just-“ He coughed once or twice, his throat thanking him with a sting. The other raised his hand to stop him: “I see. You have been invited, but with that cold, we should postpone. I can tell the PD-nims to give you some more time for a fair chance. How about in a month? We have invited some others, you can join them.” Youngjae should really start listening to his common sense to deny the offer. To cancel and leave, but his heartbeat picked up with this chance. Maybe in a month, things would look differently?

He nodded enthusiastically, jumping forward to shake the man's hands. He bowed once or twice, his head dizzy from the fast movements and ran away afterwards, before his inner voice could stop him. He could really use some hope, even if it was to be crushed in a month and not right away. The man was looking after the younger boy, mouth open, then burst into laughter. What a strange boy. This would surely be a fun one, he made an inner note to ask Hyung to join the auditions of all the invited ones later. He would surely see Youngjae again.

Youngjae reached the café faster than planned, the adrenaline from the short meeting making him run nearly all the way to it. Mark got right up first, hurrying over with a tall glass of water. “Drink. No speaking.” Youngjae gave him a hug as a greeting and the elder sighed: “Happy, you came. Seriously.” Youngjae always wondered how Mark could read him so well. Was it because he was nearly speaking less than Youngjae since they had become friends all those years ago?

Still, he was observant and empathetic, so he picked up the younger's high-spirited mood as soon as they pulled away and he looked into his face. He sighed once again, heavier than before: “Let’s talk afterwards. The others are waiting, let’s go.” Youngjae smiled sheepishly, when they reached the table, the café was empty otherwise, BamBam's mother closing for the day so they could have their little party.

The drinks were handed out to Mark and Jackson, the other 3 left with drinking just juice, BamBam complaining right away, that it was a special occasion and that Mark was too stingy. Soon it was nearly noon, when Youngjae went to the toilet. He nearly skipped at the fun atmosphere, his smile more real, than he could remember, in the mirror, until he rejoined the others. Dead silence.

BamBam and Yugyeom were poking the food on their plates with their chopsticks, staring down at it. Jackson looked angry and hurt at the same time, his emotions visible as always. Youngjae slowly sat down next to BamBam, who looked the least frightening at the moment. His eyes found Mark, who was staring at him, his face nearly a snarl. The glass in his hand was crunching, audible in the deafening silence.

Youngjae was scared, he had been gone for only two or three minutes. What the hell had happened? Mark looked straight at him, when he pressed the words out: “You left your phone.” Youngjae didn’t understand. He shook his head to show his confusion. Mark took a breath through his nose as if he was about to explode: “Someone from JYPE called. They confirmed the postponing of your invitation for the auditions.”

The air could have been cut with a knife, it was so thick with unspoken words, but Jackson spoke up next. His voice was hoarse, sounding choked: “Why? Youngjae-ah, why? You promised us, you would let it go. We only let you go there once, so you could personally turn them down.” Youngjae's face fell as he paled. So, they had found out. He stared down at his hands, refusing to defend himself, when he knew the truth. Mark was right. He had promised them to let it go, so why couldn’t he?

To his surprise and everyone’s shock, it was Yugyeom, who spoke up quietly: “So, what?” Mark’s head whipped into his direction: “What did you just say?” The crunching of the glass was louder now, sounding like a cry for help from Mark’s death grip. Instead of ducking or apologizing, Yugyeom looked directly into Mark’s furious eyes, full of defiance. “You know how much he wants it, so why are you trying to stop him, Hyung? Youngjae was always obedient and listening to all of our worries. He is hurt too, you know? We can’t cage him, just because it is better for his health. So, why?”

The glass burst with a loud crack. Mark still holding on, not even looking at it, fixated on Yugyeom: “Why?! Are you seriously asking that? Have you lost your mind, Yugyeom? He can’t! We can’t let him. You heard the doctors, he will lose his voice forever, if he continues straining it. Aphonia. You know it, so how can you defy me like this? As if I am trying to chain him down. Keeping him from going for what he wants, because I don’t _want_ to?”

Anyone seeing Mark Tuan in that moment, would know it was over. He had reached his limit and any more pushing would result in a catastrophe. But Kim Yugyeom was not anyone. He had always been too stubborn, speaking out, what he needed to, not thinking about consequences. Jinyoung had always been close to beating him up for his disrespectful behavior, but Youngjae and the others knew, that he loved his youngest brat way too much to ever hurt him. Even when angry, he would grab his arm to cuddle him in annoyance.

He got most of his stubbornness from Jinyoung himself, looking up to him, who would stop in front of no one, not even their leader, Jaebeom, when going for what he thought was right. Mark’s eyes flashed with hurt for a split second as if he had had the exact same train of thoughts, seeing the uncanny resemblance of that look. The next second, he jumped up, finally letting go of the murdered and crushed glass, cutting more into his hand without flinching as he swiped it off the table, grabbing Yugyeom over the table by his collar.

Mark’s bloody hand painted the green shirt with a deep red as his other hand was clenching into a fist, ready to throw a punch any second, but holding back as best as he could with his small temper. Jackson and Youngjae jumped up at the same time. Jackson grabbed onto Mark’s held back arm, nearly hanging off it. Youngjae was trying to peel off Mark’s bloody and clutched hand off Yugyeom, who’s eyes were as unwavering as ever, although his hands were shaking slightly.

Jackson finally managed to pull Mark back, calling out to him to calm down and let go of their maknae. It was quiet afterwards, Yugyeom frozen in place, looking down, while Mark’s still heavy breathing was all that could be heard in the café. After another moment, BamBam stood up, pushing his chair back as he left without another word. They all looked after him, even when he was long gone.

_Would they break apart just like this?_


	3. "Worth it."

“Stop apologizing, it’s not your fault at all, Hyung.” The night air was cool, not letting them get too comfortable on the stairs. Yugyeom was leaning against the wall with his head, sitting a little farther from Youngjae. “I-“ Yugyeom shook his head for the hundredth time at him: “No, you were not wrong in holding onto that audition, you always wanted to do this, I know it. So, I don’t feel bad for defending you at all. Mark-hyung will get over it, I am sure.”

How could he know that? It had been two days since the café incident. Mark had not called or talked to him at all since that. BamBam had just disappeared, none of them knowing where he had gone. Jackson was the only one, who still called and met them, like nothing was wrong. He was also the one, who apologized on Mark’s behalf saying he would come around sooner or later, too. All Youngjae felt was self doubt and hate. How could he have let it come to this?

They were friends. Family. And he had just kicked them all in the face with his naïve try to hold onto a dream that was long gone. “What are we going to do now?” Youngjae left his head hanging, feeling helpless. He had talked more in the last two days, straining his vocal cords more than usually. It felt okay, he had only coughed blood on the first day and the pain was bearable too. Maybe…just maybe. He could…?

“So, you really wanna do this? I am with you, if you go for it, but you know of the consequences. Is it worth it for you?” Yugyeom's eyes were twinkling with determination, he meant every word. It felt contagious as Youngjae looked up at him, mirroring the look. Was it worth it? Was singing once or twice on a big stage worth it to probably lose your voice forever? _Yes._

He couldn’t deny the truth, even if he wanted to. Youngjae was ready to risk it all for this. He had felt like a living dead since the crash, not able to do anything he truly loved. Just the thought of singing again, like in the past made his heartbeat pick up, his stomach fluttering at the memories. Still, could he really do this to his loved ones? He would have to tell his mother of this and…another person. His heartbeat picked up once again, from the fear of rejection. He stood up on wobbly legs stepping forward. “I need to talk to my mother.” Yugyeom’s brows shot up as he jumped up too, following Youngjae down the streets towards his house.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

**Flashback (8 months ago)**

“I am so nervous, I think I will throw up. Hyung, let’s leave, please.” Mark chuckled, letting Jackson run to get a bucket, in case it actually happened. Yugyeom tried to even out his breathing pattern as he glanced onto the stage repeatedly. His nauseousness didn’t get better at all. How had he ever gotten the crazy idea to join this competition? ‘Hit the stage!’? He was about to puke the stage, if this went on.

Normally all six of his friends would cheer him on and convince him, but Jaebeom, Jinyoung and Youngjae had been away for half the weekend and had only returned today to watch his performance. His dance performance. In front of 1000 people. And a live filming camera. He would throw up, now he was sure of it. “Gyeom-ah, relax! You look like you are about to die. Don’t worry, we are all here. Jacks and I will stay backstage, right beside you. The others will be in the front row, so just look at them. You won’t be able to miss them. I think Bam has crafted 2 banners and a neon-sign…”

Mark wasn’t one to ramble on, but he knew, that Yugyeom needed it right now. He was right, they were all there. What was he afraid of? “I will kill Jinyoung-hyung, if he’s late.” Mark shook his head in half-seriousness: “You know he wouldn’t. He reminded us all for months of this day. Heck, he bought us all calendars he had marked important occasions on. But Bam…” Yugyeom burst into laughter: “Hope he doesn’t get thrown out. He is a little too supportive of my dancing sometimes.” A fond smile stayed on his lips.

He took a deep breath, when Jackson hurried back, breathing heavily: “Don’t worry, Gyeom! I have it. I had to trick one or two of the janitors and maybe even bribe a security…but here! Your bucket.” Yugyeom felt sorry for Jackson's efforts now. Mark put an arm around the other: “Sorry, Jacks. No need anymore. It’s too late anyways. The first round is starting!”

And really: Mark had distracted him long enough, that it was his turn. Now there was no time left for being scared, he had to go out there and show them why he was here. The announcement roared through the hall, Mark and Jackson looking more excited than Yugyeom as they stepped back, waving at him. This was his chance. He took one last deep breath, before he stepped into the blinding lights. Spotlights trained on him alone.

His breathing was nearly normal by then. That’s the ridiculous part about being nervous before something important: once it started, the fear blew off as if it never existed. Yugyeom smiled, discovering a huge sign with “YUGYEOM FOREVER” and some others, but what made him stop, was the three empty seats right next to the sign. They weren’t there. Jackson called out to him, pulling him out of his thoughts, so he took his starting stance after a deep bow.

He would kill Jinyoung. He had promised that they would make it back on time. “Just one day, Gyeom-ah. We will be seated, before you even step into the venue, even if I have to break some bones. I'd rather die than miss one of the most important events of your life, you punk.” He had shrugged it off as if he didn’t care at all, when the words meant everything. The trip seemed to be something important he and Jaebeom-hyung had planned for longer to surprise Youngjae, who had graduated only some days ago. The empty seats left a bitter taste in his mouth, he knew they wouldn’t come anymore.

The first round was over, a break being announced, when Yugyeom dashed off the stage, looking for Jackson and Mark to vent out some of his anger…and disappointment. He couldn’t find them anywhere “Right beside you my ass…where the hell is everyone?!” Before he could think of anything else, BamBam rushed to him. He was pale, his face looking fallen, but suppressed: “Ya, Gyeom. Mark told me to stay with you. They both went t-to pick up the others. Youngjae and JJ, t-they are delayed, I'm so sorry.” He looked away, not meeting the younger’s eyes at all.

Normally Yugyeom would feel how off BamBam acted, they had been best friends for nearly a decade, but on that day he didn’t. His mind was trying to work out a way to not just throw his chance away and find the others. To not yell and scream at them how unfair it was, how much he needed and wanted them here. Still, he was stubborn, too proud to admit how hurt he was by that, so he just grabbed a water bottle and stomped back onto the stage.

The anger was nearly gone, when he was back in front of all the curious eyes. They were surprised and astonished: Who was this boy, dancing so well, though no one had ever heard of him? Who had trained him? And most of all: How had he made it into the finals of one of the most renowned dancing shows in the country? His opponent was the winner of last year, competing to keep his title. Yugyeom was a little tired by then. He had been nervous all along, danced three self-made choreos and now stood at the most important point. He had to win this.

The other was strong, his moves well placed and fluent, but Yugyeom saw some minor mistakes, inconsistency. He could do this. He would win this damn competition and show everyone what he was capable of. He would take the trophy and prize money and wave them in front of Jaebeom, Youngjae and Jinyoung, to see their faces. They would make big eyes and apologize to have missed this amazing day. His thoughts were cleared up by the time his music started. A beat Jackson had mixed together with Jaebeom some weeks ago. A gift, they had told him.

Yugyeom made a side step, his body fully immersed in the song, when a thought hit him. Even if Jaebeom, Jinyoung and Youngjae were late, why did Mark and Jackson leave because of them? It didn’t make any sense. They should have stayed and filmed him to show the others. His gaze swayed over the empty seats, catching BamBam, who was vibrating from trying to sit still in his seat, eyes fixated on his phone and not Yugyeom. _What is going on?_

Another turn ending with an impact and the empty seats burned themselves into his brain. Jinyoung’s words echoing like a bad omen, sucking the strength out of his legs: _“I’d rather_ _die than miss one of the most important events of your life, you punk.”_ Yugyeom’s body froze. All moves instantly died as he was ripped out of the beat and song at once, stumbling. _Not possible. This can’t be._ He must have been going crazy. Before he could register anything outside of these thoughts, his legs started to run. Down the stage, across the hall and breaking through the many thick doors until he was outside. He ignored the murmuring and comments, passing all of it like a rush of air.

Yugyeom was breathing heavily, frantically trying to look around the parking lot, but Mark’s car was nowhere in sight just like Jaebeom's. They weren’t here at all. _BamBam lied._ It was so obvious, but he had been too stupidly angry to realize it. In less than a minute, BamBam was running up to him: “Gyeom! What are you doing? You will be disqualified, if you don’t return this instant…don’t you want to win? This is your best chance!” Blood was rushing through Yugyeom’s head, static noise filling his ears until they rang. Something was wrong.

He turned around right away, facing his best friend: “What’s going on? Where are they?” His jaw was set tight as if he tried to physically brace himself for the mental blow he would get, expecting the worst. BamBam started to fumble with his hands, pulling non-existent dry skin from his nails. He looked down, voice low: “They are held back…Mark-hyung said-“ Yugyeom lashed out, screaming loudly, making people in the parking lot turn their way in surprise: “I don’t freakin care, what Mark-hyung said! Tell me, what happened, Bam!”

The next words came out clear and fast, making him take a cut-off breath like receiving a heavy blow into his stomach, but BamBam didn’t flinch. And Yugyeom realized he would have never been ready to hear the next words at all. Expecting the worst, was not worse enough.

“Jaebeom’s car crashed. They never arrived at the beach house.”


	4. In all the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone, we may have forgotten about.
> 
> Beautifully broken.
> 
> Let's go forward.
> 
> Please.

It must have been a miracle, but Youngjae had not only mustered the courage and told his mother about the audition, he had actually gotten her approval, more or less. “I don’t want to be the one to stop you from chasing your dreams, you know that. I always supported you, but with this…I can’t watch you endanger yourself so soon after…all of that. I won’t hold you back, but please don’t expect me to accompany you for this, son.”

And it was all he needed. Seeing the pain and brimming tears in her eyes, but still not holding him back. Youngjae stepped forward, wrapping his mother, who was smaller than he remembered, in a tight hug. His voice was nearly inaudible, with a breath of “Thank you”. She made Yugyeom promise to watch over him and keep track of his health, which the youngest nodded at. Instead of letting the excitement and butterflies take over his body, Youngjae was starting to get more nervous.

He had let his mother know, so there was only one person left now to talk to. They ate lunch at the Choi's, his mother not talking about the topic anymore and soon after they were standing at the bus station, waiting. Yugyeom was uncharacteristically quiet, looking as if Youngjae was dragging him towards his execution. But they had to go, Youngjae needed the affirmation more than he had ever.

The drive was slow due to the traffic, but they arrived before noon. The big building was intimidating, but so familiar by now. To their surprise, Jackson and BamBam were waiting on a bench near the hospital's entrance, looking down, but talking in hushed voices. They stopped right away, when Yugyeom and Youngjae joined, standing in front of them, waiting.

The other two got up, looking at them nervously. Yugyeom spoke up first, sighing: “You knew, we would come. Still, Mark-hyung didn’t come…” Jackson nodded, clearing his throat: “Yeah, well. He didn’t want to talk to me neither, after I told him, where we would go. BamBam called me, saying we should…at least try.” Youngjae blinked at the younger one, his red hair messy from pulling his hands through it too often. He took BamBam’s hand, squeezing it slightly. The other looked up surprised, giving him a genuine smile, Youngjae had missed dearly on him.

They had all changed so much, but their friendship hadn’t. In the end, they would all fall back together. They arrived at the seventh floor of the hospital in silence. Jackson registered their names at the front desk before they walked down the empty corridor to the last room. The walk wasn’t even a minute long, but here they stood, no one wanting to open that door as if the handle was searing hot, burning them.

To everyone’s surprise, it was Youngjae, who moved first. Grabbing the door to slide it open in one swift, fast move, before he could think twice and run away, like so many times before. This was his third time in this room and he hoped it would be the first time he kept his sanity without screaming or fainting from the trauma like the last two times. He remembered vividly, how his mother clung to him as he screamed his lungs sick with every breath, he could barely take. Still, this time was different, he swore to himself.

Before anyone could move forward, Yugyeom nearly flew to the bedside of the patient, going on his knees, so his head was barely over the little bed fence making him look like a little child. His voice was soft, when he spoke to the person: “Hi Hyung, it’s me, Yugyeomie. How have you been? It’s been really long…I-“ and that’s where he lost his voice, holding back all the emotions crushing down onto him in that moment. Jackson followed him soon, pulling him up from the ground, pushing him into the chair by the side as his shoulders shook.

He turned back around: “Hey, Nyeong. Actually, it’s not just Yugyeom” he rolled his eyes, smiling slightly “It’s all of us…Mark is just being stubborn, but you know him, so yeah. Good to see you.” He brushed his arm with his palm, looking at the unmoving figure. Youngjae and BamBam were the last ones to follow, steps unsteady and slow, like quick sand pulling them down on their way. Youngjae took a deep sigh, even in this state, he was beautiful.

Jinyoung was wearing a sweater, the color of a deep green, which stood out in contrast to his pale face and hands. He was tucked in looking like sleeping beauty, with no crease between his eyebrows, no bad dreams inside his mind. Youngjae nearly laughed bitterly, because this surely was no fairytale, where a simple kiss could wake him up. And even if it was, his Prince Charming was dead. The only person, who may have been able to reach Jinyoung even in this deep slumber of a coma, was not here anymore. Jaebeom was dead.

The thought started to scratch inside his mind, making him dizzy and disoriented, trying to claw itself out of his head. A warm hand closed itself around his, intertwining their fingers. It took a moment for Youngjae to open his eyes, breath more stable by then. He looked into a pair of light brown eyes, worriedly watching him. Mark-hyung. It was then, Youngjae slowly realized, why the room had turned quiet all of a sudden. They were all looking at the eldest, who sighed heavily, rolling his eyes at them. They could all see his other bandaged hand from their last meet-up in the café.

“You all look, like you have seen a ghost. I was here, before you came. I knew, you would come here after Jackson called me.” Youngjae blinked several times, still not understanding, until Mark’s hand let go with one last squeeze. “You all know I come here every day, if I find the time. Now” his eyes were fully on Youngjae, shimmering mysteriously: “didn’t you want to say something to Jinyoung-ah?” Youngjae could feel all their gazes, making him fidgety.

He swallowed, walking the last few steps towards the bed: “Hyung…I know, you can hear me. The doctors said, that your body has healed by now, not leaving many scars even, but...” his voice broke and not just due to his dysphonia, making him swallow again: “I know, Hyung. I know, why you looked at me that way, before you collapsed that day, I remember your last words, that you can’t and…I understand. You won’t and can’t wake up, if he is not here. You won’t come back, no matter how long we wait, right?”

“Your mother mentioned, that she could hear you cry in her dreams every night, she stayed at the hospital…you are still crying, aren’t you? Please, can’t you try for me? For us? We really need you, now that Hyung's dead.” Youngjae could hear the sharp inhaling going through the room, but he didn’t stop. They couldn’t push a certain fact aside, just because the pain was not as sharp like that, kept in the dark, like an infected wound throbbing. They had to live with all of this the rest of their lives.

What broke him, was the single tear, running down the pale face, the monitors not showing any changes or signs, that he was waking up. Youngjae’s heart was bleeding, when he accepted, what he had known, since he had seen Jinyoung lying on a stretcher, being taken away. Not only Jaebeom had died that day, but a part of Jinyoung too, just like all of them felt the broken piece ripped out of inside them. What Youngjae didn’t know, was the amount of it in Jinyoung’s case, they had not been called soulmates for no reason. Could a human die without a part of its soul?

Youngjae nearly sobbed at the answer crossing his mind: _Of course, the proof is lying right in front of you._ He leaned down, the tear streak already drying, when he whispered into his ear: “I found your gift, it was with Hyung’s belongings. It’s beautiful, thank you. Both of you. I will cherish it for the rest of my life.” He straightened up again, feeling utterly tired. Mark was the one, breaking the others of their trance, watching Youngjae and Jinyoung in complete silence until then.

It was so quiet, that Jackson had heard Youngjae whispering, so he held onto those words as they all slowly got up, telling Jinyoung, they would visit soon again, saying their goodbyes and leaving. They made it until the ground floor, Mark walking in front of them with BamBam, when Jackson asked: “What did you mean with ‘gift’? What did they give you? Was that, what the beach house visit was for?” Youngjae flinched at the memory of their journey, going from relaxed and bad puns to hell. Straight to hell with no return. He shook his head at Jackson, showing him, that this wasn’t the right time, so the elder changed the topic right away.

_They would find out soon enough anyways._


	5. "Burned Icarus"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you had only one chance.
> 
> Would you take it?
> 
> Youngjae will.
> 
> Or will he?

”I can’t believe we are walking through the halls of JYPE! Youngjae-ah, look! There are pictures of all their artists. This is practically the hall of fame of South Korea!” Yugyeom might have been the most excited, running around and pointing at things like a child. Youngjae was trying to smother all doubts and the tingling nervousness thrumming in his veins in the meantime. They had arrived only half an hour ago, but the time was ticking too slowly to calm down. Youngjae had called to confirm his participation for the auditions in time, being informed, that he could take two family members with him.

Youngjae had thought for long, who to call up first, when he dialed Mark’s number already. The elder though, had a schedule for the morning and could therefore not accompany him. “Allure” had called his manager for a reschedule of their planned photoshoot, Mark couldn’t cancel. He may have only been modeling on the side, but it already paid more than his usual job as a computer scientist. Mark had asked Youngjae, if he should just cancel and attend the audition, but the younger refused. He couldn’t cost his Hyung such a high standard shoot for an audition, he wasn’t even sure, he would make.

Jackson was also fully packed with schedules, being invited for a cf and a possible collaboration with some producers afterwards. Lastly, BamBam had agreed right away to accompany him, but only called this morning, before their departure from Youngjae’s apartment, telling him that he couldn’t make it. His mother had gotten sick from overworking, trying to handle all their cafes at once. They needed BamBam for the next few days to pitch in and overlook everything until she was back on her feet. Youngjae was planning to visit her the same day, after the audition, to see how she was doing.

This made them only two, Yugyeom saying yes, before he had even asked, if he had time. They had taken an hour for Yugyeom to pick out an outfit for Youngjae, with BamBam on the phone advising them, which pieces to combine. He had only been satisfied, when Yugyeom sent him some photos of Youngjae as proof, wishing him good luck and threatening them to film it all, so he could see how Youngjae blew them off their chairs.

”Hey, Youngjae, right?” He was pulled out of his thoughts, when a man walked towards them. He wore a dark cap with a crossed out heart. Youngjae needed a moment to remember the face, he looked different, he wore some make-up and a casual outfit. “Yeah, hello. It’s a pleasure to see you again. Thank you for this opportunity, really.” As he came closer, Youngjae recognized him in a flash. It was the man, he had met a month ago in front of the building, who had rescheduled his audition. Yugyeom bowed also, greeting him: “I am Kim Yugyeom, a friend of Youngjae-hyung.” The man looked up, because Yugyeom was still freakin tall, even towering over the person in front of them.

The man chuckled at the two of them, waving them off: “No worries, I did not much. Hyung really wanted to hear you live, so I only did him a favor with this. But…your voice. Sounds like your cold is still not better? I am sorry, but I can’t reschedule this time, so-“ Youngjae shook his head, smiling widely: “No, it’s fine. Actually, this is my usual voice, but I can sing! I promise, I won’t take this lightly.” The man creased his forehead in confusion, but nodded: “I know, all the best. Oh, by the way, I am Kim Minjun, I didn’t get the chance to introduce myself before. Good luck!” He bowed shortly, being called from behind them, before he started jogging away.

Yugyeom looked after him for a long while, getting the feeling, he had heard that name somewhere before. Youngjae and him arrived in the waiting room, when he suddenly yelled: “Ahhh! I knew I heard that name before! Youngjae, that was Jun. K!!” The older had just sat down, to fix his hair a little, when he turned around in a fast move, the chair screeching. “What? That’s not possible! Jun. K is a legend at…JYPE.” Youngjae opened and closed his mouth like a fish, no words leaving it. Yugyeom started laughing hysterically “Oh man! You met your idol not even once, but twice and you didn’t even know! Hyung, you are so oblivious.”

Youngjae’s face turned slightly red: “Ya, how am I supposed to recognize him, when he never shows his face? I have heard every song he wrote and produced, but never seen his face, before! Yugyeom-ah!! I met Jun. K!” He let himself fall back into the chair, groaning. So, the mysterious man, he had not met once, but twice already, was one of the best vocalists under JYPE. Perfect, he must think, he doesn’t know him at all. Yugyeom was still giggling: “Well, think positive: You didn’t know his name, but he remembered yours.” Youngjae groaned louder, face in hands. What would he think of him now?

_This was going great already._

\------------------------------------------

”It’s your turn next, Hyung. Are you ready?” Yugyeom was handing him a bottle with dark liquid, glancing towards the stage nervously. Youngjae nodded, taking some swigs, before handing it back. The medicine was tasting awful, but it was the best they had found, so his throat was as relaxed as possible, his vocal chords soothed. It was no magic potion, but it lessened the pain and side effects, if he overused his voice. And he was about to reach his limit easily, if he started to sing with all his might in some minutes.

Yugyeom was peeking through the side door, waiting for their cue. He was nervous for Youngjae, but there was something else. The sight of the stage made him nauseous. He couldn’t shake the feeling off, no matter how much he tried. It was angering him, since he had loved standing on a stage only some months ago, performing until he was worn and sweaty. Now, his hands started to sweat, just from seeing a stage from afar. Yugyeom rarely feared anything, but he wasn’t sure, he would have been capable to accompany the elder onto the stage, even if he was allowed to. All he did, since being disqualified from “Hit the Stage” was underground dancing. Crews, no titles, no stage. Battling for fun and making a name, not to win awards or anything shiny.

“Yugyeom-ah, I am not so sure, this is a good idea…” Youngjae was pale, all his efforts to push his doubts away in vain. Yugyeom laughed at the resemblance, reminding him of himself: “Of course, this is not a good idea, Hyung! This is crazy to say at least! We are at JYPE, for an audition.” Youngjae blinked at him, confused at the brutal bluntness of his words, when Yugyeom took a deep breath: “Youngjae-hyung, if this goes bad your dream will be crushed. If this goes well, you won’t be able to do this for long, you know that. Still, you decide what to bet and what to lose. What you are ready to risk. So, what are you afraid of?”

This must have been the worst pep-talk anyone ever had, but Youngjae felt himself calming down. He was right, he couldn’t win the big game anyways, but he could decide, how he wanted to move forward and that was more freedom than most people had. He had a choice and Youngjae chose to bet everything for some days, weeks, maybe even months. So, when his name was called upon, he received a reassuring smile from Yugyeom, who hooted once before being asked to wait aside.

The stage was huge in comparison to anything Youngjae had ever stood on to sing. Some little cafes and karaoke were more comfortable. He looked straight ahead, glad, that the lights were mostly lit, only one spotlight in front of him, not blinding, so he could see the front rows of the auditorium.

In front of him sat four people: Kim Minjun or Jun. K, he had met before, A young man in a cap and two others, who seemed not to be too interested in the stage or who was standing on it. Minjun gave him a short nod, waiting seemingly for Youngjae to start. He took a deep breath, because once he started opening his mouth, everyone would know. Know, that he was different. Hear him being broken.

He gave a deep bow: “Choi Youngjae, I will sing an original song…this one means a lot to me.” Before anyone could intervene, he gave a sign to start the track, he had brought with him. 1:30 was all he had to prove himself. The soothing tune echoed through the wide hall, Youngjae closing his eyes, waiting. 1…2…3…4…5… _breathe_ :

**[ I know this is stupid**

나도 알아 멍청한 짓인지

**I know, I know**

알고 있어 알고 있어 **]**

He slowly opened his eyes, looking straight ahead, his mind consumed by the melody and lyrics, flowing out of him.

**[But when people point fingers at me**

사람들이 손가락질할 때

**I'm gonna become stronger**

난 더 더더욱 강해질 거야 **]**

Youngjae didn’t feel his throat, the pain and raw feeling gone, like they never existed, even if it was only for another minute.

**[ Without fail, I'm dreaming again today**

난 오늘도 어김없이 꿈을 꿔

**As if I'm free like I'm flying in the sky**

하늘을 날아오르는 자유로운 듯

**As if I can reach if I hold out my hand**

손을 뻗으면 닿을 듯 더 높이 향해서

**I'll flap my wings harder, even if I'm scared**

날갯짓을 해 두렵더라도 **]**

There was only one second of silence, but it felt like an eternity to Youngjae. All his fears rushed out, making him go full into the climax, because he knew, who’s voices were coming in as part of the track next. It had taken him several times to play the song until the end without breaking into sobs, when he had first heard them. Two too familiar voices as the guide vocals, clashing at the climax to flow into one another like an echo of each other.

**[ Never, I can't give up**

절대 포기하지 못해

**I can't fall down**

쓰러지지 못해

**For my dreams, I'll only look at one place**

꿈을 위해서 난 한곳만 바라봐 **]**

**[ I can't give up**

포기하지 않아

**I can't fall down**

쓰러지지 않아

**Even if my body breaks down**

온몸이 타올라 부셔져도 **]**

What Youngjae didn’t see in those moments as the music consumed him fully, was the looks from the people watching and taking notes. Their faces had changed slightly from surprised to being amazed, just to fall into a frown. Minjun turned to the man by his side, whispering. He nodded back, a frown settling on his face as well. Minjun’s face was grim as he crossed out Youngjae’s name, packing his things, to stand up and leave as the song came to an end. Not turning around, stomping away.

**[ Every time I get scared**

또 두려워질 때마다

**For the people who believe in me**

날 믿어준 사람들을 위해

**I will prove it**

**Every time I wanna close my eyes**

눈감고 싶을 때마다

**I'll picture me standing at the finish line**

저 끝에 있을 나를 상상해 **]**

Youngjae’s eyes opened slowly, his mind fuzzy, throat numb from the sensation to sing at his full strength. It took him some seconds, but then he was blinking into the audience, which was missing one person by then. He faltered, confused as what had happened, when one of the man, the one with the cap took the microphone from the table to clear his throat: “That’s all. We have heard enough. You can leave over the left exit, a staff will help you and…just a little heads-up: We don’t fancy plagiarism.” His eyes were cold as he looked straight at Youngjae.

He had flown so high, not realizing his wings starting to burn.

Youngjae had fallen.


	6. Hidden Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The higher you soar, the deeper your fall.
> 
> Youngjae can't keep everything to himself forever, right?

“Hyung, please stop crying. I am sure it was just a misunderstanding. I mean, the song, I have never heard it before, but I believe you, when you say it belongs to you.” Yugyeom was crouching down, his tall frame hunched as he tried to make Youngjae’s sobs become less.

He hadn’t stopped since walking off the stage and breaking down in front of the building. They were sitting a little farther, the sidewalk rather empty. Yugyeom had tried to ask him what was going on, when he had rushed after him, but Youngjae had only repeated, that he had failed. That it was over.

The younger became concerned at some point not just for his mental condition, but his body too. He could cough up blood any second after all the stress or lose his voice altogether, so he did the only thing he knew. He called Jackson, leaving a voice mail, knowing he would check his phone as soon as he had a break. Hopefully, the older knew how to handle things.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jackson was tired, the shooting had taken longer than expected, the director not being satisfied with the outcome of the music video. Jackson was merely a producer, making tracks, not filming them, but Namjoon was a good friend, who had asked him to help supervise and be a mental support for his first solo release, knowing Jackson had an eye for these things. They had just gotten a break, Namjoon being hushed away by the stylist to change outfits, when Jackson pulled his phone out, it blinked silently.

With a curse, he unlocked it, calling upon his voice mails. He could hear the distress and helplessness in Yugyeom’s voice, making him crease his forehead in annoyance. He let out a small breath: plagiarism? No way in hell. He couldn’t believe Youngjae was denied the chance of his life, just because someone decided, he was playing dirty. Never. He called up the only person, who could take care of this together with him: “Hyung, it’s me. Are you done? Well, seems the kids need some adults to handle this one. Yeah, I will tell you the rest, when I pick you up. Will be waiting outside in twenty minutes.”

Jackson excused himself, telling the staff and Namjoon, that something had come up, so he had to leave earlier. They didn’t mind much as Jackson was only a shadow on set the whole morning. He grabbed his stuff and rushed out.

Soon, Jackson was leaning against his car, waiting for the older one, to wrap up his stuff and come out. He was glancing at his phone impatiently, hoping Yugyeom wasn’t going to panic soon. Suddenly, there was yelling and calls, his head snapping up, when he heard light, but hurried steps on the stony path next to him. Jackson had parked near the back entrance, not wanting to attract attention with his expensive and black car. When his eyes caught the one, running towards him, Jackson forgot how to breathe for a moment.

Mark was running from two people, who looked like staff to Jackson, but he was baffled by the sight in front of him. Jackson had seen probably every side there was to his best friend to this day. From his sister’s wedding in a tailored suit to his usual couch potato sweatpants and hoodie ones. Nothing unusual, when he knew, that Mark was what one would call a “natural killer beauty”, a homme fatal, able to swoon girls and boys alike without as much as trying.

Jackson had soon realized, after knowing him for over a year, that he was no exception. It was too easy, too tempting to get lost in Mark’s eyes, his genuine smile and childish laughter, making his heart flutter with adoration…and maybe even something more. It had taken all his common sense and volition to stay his unaffected, supportive best friend. But right now, he forgot all of that. Mark looked breathtakingly gorgeous. He never wore any make-up, but photoshoots were a different case. His hair was combed back, falling to the side, his cheeks slightly rosé from running the whole path down towards him. His outfit was surely not the one, he had left in that morning.

Jackson’s breath hitched at the realization, that he wore a half-mesh shirt, see-through at the shoulders, his sleeves long black satin blowing after him like wings. With a huffed and long breath, he finally reached the car, coming to a stop in front of Jackson, crouched halfway to take deep breaths. The older got up, before Jackson could make any move, unsure of himself in every way at that moment. Mark rounded the car, getting in, when the two women reached them too. They wanted to pass Jackson to probably drag Mark out of the car, but he was already putting on his seatbelt.

The younger one, did what he always did: he mended the chaos the other man left in his wake, not caring about anyone…he didn’t care about. Mark had that trait, where he was the most loyal and kind one to those around him, he liked and loved, but anyone outside of that circle, doing or saying anything not to his liking, was ghosted as if they were only a spec of dust in the universe. It took some minutes of apologizing and convincing (and a little flirting) on Jackson’s side to stop the two women, sighing in defeat at not being able to take some more behind the scenes shots of Mark in that outfit. Jackson promised to bring the expensive robe back the next day, before turning around and getting behind the wheel.

He sighed deeply, not looking at Mark as he started the car towards the highway, towards the city. “So, tell me what’s going on, Gaga.” Jackson flinched at the close pet name, making him glance over: “Well, you are not gonna like this, so listen and _then_ go into rage mode, please?” Mark frowned, his blood-red lips pulled together in anticipation, so Jackson told him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hyung, stop! We need to talk about this with Youngjae first. Please, don’t do this!” Yugyeom jumped up by the familiar voices ringing through the streets not far from them. Youngjae had calmed down enough, that his crying consisted of sniffing and blowing his nose. Jackson’s hurried voice made him get up too as they both rounded the corner together back to JYPE. They barely got a glance at a swift, slim figure, entering the building right away. Jackson was close behind, hurrying after Mark, catching the others’ looks with an alarmed face.

Yugyeom sighed deeply, grabbing Youngjae’s hand to follow them the next moment. Mark was fuming, furious and dangerous, but the sight was baffling. The two younger ones stopped in their tracks, blinking at their Hyung, who was clothed like he had just jumped out of a fairytale. A beautiful creature, breathtakingly dangerous like a siren. And that’s exactly what he was doing the next second after stepping into the building, yelling: “Who the hell, called my Youngjae a plagiarizer?” Yugyeom shut his eyes tightly, oh dear. They would surely be thrown out by security in the next few seconds.

As if on command, a wide shouldered man in a suit strode towards Mark, ready to take him down. Youngjae was frightened, overwhelmed by the scene in front of him. Yugyeom nearly facepalmed himself. The man looked grim, probably planning to drag Mark out by his arm, unfortunately for him, Mark had a black belt in martial arts. He was expecting the next moment, before the security even felt it, but to his own surprise, Jackson stepped between him and Mark, reacting faster than ever as he twisted the man’s reached out hand onto his back, making him go to his knees with a painful groan.

It all happened too fast, making the youngest groan out in frustration. He had called the older ones to talk and comfort Youngjae, not to make a mess and take down security guards in one of the biggest companies of East Asia. This was horrible. Still, he sighed helplessly, when he saw Mark turning towards Jackson, surprised at his intervention.

Markraised an eyebrow in question, Jackson was one of the last people to use force against someone else. Yugyeom nearly cringed at Jackson opening and closing his mouth like a fish, not moving away from the person in his grip. He had done something stupid and unnecessary, but the youngest knew, that it was due to his suppressed feelings for Mark for years now. His body had just reacted to protect him forgetting, that Mark Tuan needed no protection. These two were really a special nut case.

Jackson was spared from any excuse, when a deep and rich voice from the upper floor called down: “That would be me.” All heads snapped up, Youngjae paling instantly. It was Kim Minjun. They all stared up, until Minjun broke them out of their stupor again, by clearing his throat: “I don’t know who all of you are, except one. So, I kinda get the picture.

Wecan talk, if you wish as I am having a break anyways. Also, I would appreciate it, if you unhanded our staff right away, the man was just trying to do his job.” Jackson jumped away, his hands pulling back, his back bowed towards the man in front of him, cheeks flushed in embarrassment at his own behavior: “I am so, truly sorry. Please excuse my rude behavior, it was out of an affect. I am really sorry.”

The man got back up onto his feet fast, looking at Minjun, who waved him away, signaling that he was fine. He bowed and left, not looking at any of the intruders anymore. Mark should have been feeling as embarrassed and humiliated as the others, but Jackson could see the stubbornness and defiance twinkle in his eyes, making him swallow the flutter of his heart down. What was wrong with him today? He was totally out of it, normally used and able to avoid anything awkward with Mark.

Minjun invited them to use the elevator up and soon they entered one of the empty rooms, looking like a small conference room. It was soon stuffed with the four of them and Minjun, who raised a brow at the group. Youngjae was red like a tomato, the whole situation too embarrassing and just too much. The door was closed as silence fell over all of them. The blind anger and fury had been drained out of Mark’s system to a degree, his face still a frown though. Jackson took place next to him just in case this would turn into a chaos.

“You wanted to talk, here is your chance. I am all ears.” Minjun's voice was soothingly patient as he leaned back with an open face. Youngjae looked down, too intimidated by the whole situation, but Mark was nowhere as calm: “You insulted my friend in the worst way possible for an artist. I demand an apology!” Jackson reached forward under the table to give his best friend a squeeze to his thigh, they would not get anywhere like this. To his surprise Mark glared back at him for interrupting but leaned back with a huff.

Jackson cleared his throat before speaking: “First of all, I want to apologize deeply for waltzing down here and causing a ruckus. It was not intended and regarding the guard…I got a little ahead of myself, I am sorry.” Minjun watched him with a slight frown before he nodded, accepting his words. “Before we make any further assumptions, I will say it now: the song Youngjae sang was not his. He didn’t sign, that he wrote it personally, but he agreed to our terms and conditions and claimed it as his, no rights to any other third party.

I don’t know from which line of work most of you come from, but we in the music industry call this plagiarism. So, it may have not been delayed optimally by my friend, but it is what it is. I won’t apologize for pointing it out.” Jackson took a deep breath, nodding before he turned back to Youngjae, who wanted to be anywhere else in the world than in this place right now.

“What song are we even talking about here?” Mark was back in his defensive stance, not accepting any apologies until this had been sorted out, he glanced at Yugyeom, who shook his head, then at Youngjae, his eyes softened at the younger: “Youngjae-ah, what is wrong? I know you, you write great songs, so how come this person is telling me you lied. I know you wouldn’t do such a thing.”

The younger sighed looking down, but his voice was firm, when he answered in a low voice: “It’s mine. It belongs to me.” Minjun looked through a folder, he had been holding under his arm before, reaching for a piece of paper, he pushed over the table towards the group: “This is the song, he handed in. “Icarus”. Do you want to know how I know it’s not his? The track and the person, who made them. I know them. He is a really great songwriter and producer, who I even collaborated with before.”

All eyes, were on Minjun at that, he leaned back once again, when Yugyeom asked in a low voice, already dreading the answer: “Who? Who is it?” Minjun was seemingly unimpressed, shaking his head. “DefSoul.” Heads snapped around, when Youngjae spoke up, voice hoarse, but steady. His eyes were burning, when he looked at Minjun, ignoring everyone else:

“The song “Icarus” was written and made by DefSoul, who’s real name is Lim Jaebeom.” The elder let out a surprised noise, looking more suspicious than before, his eyes were narrowed: “So, you knew it all along and here I started to think this was actually a misunderstanding…” He stopped, when he realized, that the other three people in the room had frozen, no words or sounds made at this revelation. It was dead silent.

Youngjae took a deep breath, reaching for his neck. It was time.


	7. "The truth of Us"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I mean it.

Jackson felt like suffocating, from the way Yugyeom and Mark looked, they were no different, pale and shocked to the core. Youngjae let out a shaky breath, when he pushed his hand under the collar of his shirt, taking something off his neck, it was a small, silver object, but it made Yugyeom widen his eyes even more, reaching forward as Youngjae placed it on the table between their group and the producer. “Is that…where- Youngjae, where did you get this from?” Minjun’s face had long changed from suspicion to confusion, he leaned forward, staring at the thin piece of metal, rectangular, on a chain. It had scratches, but there was something engraved into it in one of the corners. “JJ Project ∞”.

“What is this?” Minjun reached out to touch it, the surface showed signs of more scratches, when he realized what he was holding “An USB drive?” Youngjae nodded, heart heavy but there was no other option than putting everything in the open, he just wished, it had happened in another way. “Yes, Minjun-sshi. This flash drive contains songs, lyrics, tracks, enough to make at least three albums out of them. One is already put together, called ‘Verse #2’. The song I auditioned with before, ‘Icarus’, is one of them, but unlike the other songs, this one was a gift to me. A gift by…two really important people to me, for my graduation ten months ago. It was their last gift to me.”

The elder shook his head: “I don’t follow. What are you trying to tell me? That DefSoul- no, Jaebeom-sshi is one of those two people? He gave you this song, he was so proud of a year ago? He sent me a sample of the track back then, asking for a second opinion, the lyrics weren’t finished then. Actually, I was trying to reach him these past months since we are looking for a producer for one of our new groups, but I couldn’t get a hold of him.”

A deep sigh: “He died. Ten months ago…he died in a car accident. You won’t be able to reach him anymore and that USB drive was his, it was a gift from the other person, Park Jinyoung. Jaebeom and Jinyoung had worked on their music back in high school and called themselves ‘JJ Project’, god it was so cringy even back then, but they were in their own little bubble and just so happy to make music together. How could I try to stop them from making all that dark history as their beloved Hyung? They were both too stubborn anyways.” Mark’s lips twitched to a smile at the fond memories of their school days, when Jaebeom was in the same grade as him, Jackson and Jinyoung in the one under them.

He had forgotten, that Minjun was there at some point, so when the other choked on a suppressed sob, his eyes snapped to the elder. His voice sounded broken: “A-are you sure? Jaebeom was a great kid, always so hard working and talented beyond his own understanding…he- I wanted to offer him a position at JYPE, he would have been perfect.” He let out a shaky breath, hands rubbing over his face, before he calmed down again. Jackson was still speechless, they had never asked for any of the belongings of their friends, when they had reached the hospital, just like both of their families. They had all been too broken over their loss, not caring about any items.

Now, as his eyes were glued to the little flash drive, Yugyeom was cradling like a baby, thumb stroking the engraved letters, he couldn’t believe, that none of them had ever asked about it. Jaebeom had always worn it around his neck since his 20th birthday. His love and passion for music was kept in that little silver stick, that could have gotten lost. Minjun shook his head, still saddened by the news as he got up, bowing towards Youngjae, who jumped up at the movement: “Minjun-sshi…” The other shook his head dismissively: “No, I truly need to apologize to you in this case. I rushed my judgement without asking you for your reasons. This was wrong of me, so I am truly sorry, Youngjae. To think, that this- that you went on stage with such a precious song just to be disqualified- I am really sorry.”

Youngjae rounded the table, putting a hand on the other man’s arm: “It’s fine, honestly. I was just a little selfish…I should have told my friends about all of this instead of keeping it to myself. They- we just have really been through a lot for the last year and just thinking about their faces-“ he looked back, three heads watching him carefully, tender smiles mirroring his own “I was just scared, that our world would break down a second time with no return this time. Minjun stood up, straightening his back to look at Youngjae with a heavy sigh: “I am the one, who disqualified you, but unjustified. 

Would you try it a second time? Additional auditions are in two weeks, I can add you, if you want to, it’s the least I can do, because honestly: your voice is amazing, even if it’s rough and deepened. As soon as you stood on stage it was clear and so full, it made me want to hear more, so what do you say, Youngjae-sshi?” He reached out a hand, awaiting Youngjae’s answer, when the younger took it and gripped it firmly: “Thank you for this chance…again. I would love to try it again, I really want to do this.”

It took them some minutes, but soon they were on their way out of JYPE, Minjun escorting them outside, in a friendly manner, not because he was scared, they would cause another ruckus. “Hyung! I’ve got the list of- oh, wow. Hi!” A young man in a dark t-shirt and washed jeans joined them from inside, coming to a stop next to Minjun, eyes focused fully on Mark, who had turned around like the others at the voice. Yugyeom blinked several times, trying to remember, from where he knew the face.

“I didn’t know we are currently taking model applicants, but wow, I guess you got the contract? I am Jang Wooyoung.” He ignored everyone else, stepping forward, until he was only maybe four steps away from Mark, Youngjae and Jackson. “Do you-whoa!” He was pulled back by the back of his collar by Minjun, who sighed deeply: “Youngie, you should back down, if you don’t wanna end up like Sejun-hyung.” The other looked back and forth between his Hyung and the group of people, before his lips formed a surprised ‘O’.

“Are you serious? I passed him, when I was walking to the practice rooms, he is wearing an arm sling, which he didn’t this morning…oh my, was it…?” His bright eyes stared back to Mark, who stepped back tentatively, the stranger a little too close for comfort to him. Jackson on the other hand went from furious to utterly embarrassed in less than a second, remembering the guard, whose arm he had twisted painfully onto his back. Minjun shook his head: “Read the atmosphere, idiot. Not him but be careful of hitting on other people’s boyfriends right in front of them. I am sorry for his rude behavior, but I actually need him, unfortunately.”

If Jackson’s face had not been dark red before, it was now. The implication, that he and Mark…he cautiously turned his face towards his friend, who caught his fleeting gaze, holding it. It seemed, like he was searching for something, before sighing in defeat, shrugging his shoulders, looking unfazed. Jackson really wished for a cool demeanor like his, turning back to the two men: “We are not- I mean- I am sorry, again. Please relay my sincerest apologies to Sejun-sshi. And thank you for your kindness, Minjun-sshi.” Why should he deny it, when Mark didn’t? Who was he to show this person, that Mark was available, when said person didn’t seem interested in the other man?

They turned around, walking away, hearing the other two bickering some more steps. “That was his boyfriend? Darn, and here I thought I could finally date a model.” “You are really…hopeless.” The farther they got, the lighter the air became between them, Yugyeom handed the chain and drive back to Youngjae, who hung it back over his head. It felt just right there. The youngest sighed heavily: “Those two really had class, huh? Driving out to the beach with a rented beach house to give you a self written and composed song made by them, damn. Classy as hell.”

Mark shook his head: “Language. Also, we should get going, I really want to change into something more comfortable, like some sweats and a hoodie, this blouse makes me look like a non-dark-haired Samara.” Youngjae laughed at that: “Seriously, Hyung. Her hair is her main trait, so it’s kinda contradicting?” “Smartass, who let you graduate again?” Youngjae shook his head, feigning annoyance: “All of you, unfortunately. I saw you crying, hiding behind Jackson-hyung and Jinyoung-hyung. Embarrassing.” The older hit him on the back of his head: “Shut up! I can’t believe I just stormed JYPE for a brat like you!”

They all lighted up with just being themselves again. Their bickering was short-lived though, when Jackson’s phone rang, making him frown at the number displayed. Shouldn’t they call Mark first, if something was up? He picked up right away, stepping a little to the side as they had reached the parked car, his heart full of dread. His expression changed from confused to angry and lastly scared, before he hung up: “Get in the car, fast. We need to go to the hospital right now.”

“No.” Mark was pale, his anger giving in to exhaustion after such a long day, too many things happening at once. BamBam was shaking his head, he had arrived before them, waiting for the others as he looked like a nervous mess. His hair was unstyled, clothes crinkled, nothing like the BamBam they were used to. “Hyung, you gotta do something! They can’t- they will- please!” Mark looked out of it, hands tiredly rubbing over his face, when Jackson caught sight of the doctor. He stopped in front of them, face solemn.

“You called me? Us? I am Park Jinyoung’s second guardian in town, this is Mark Tuan, his first. You couldn’t reach him, since he left his phone at work. What happened? A nurse told our friend, that he got a fever?” The doctor sighed heavily, probably doing a double shift already: “Yeah, but it is not a simple fever. His body burned up suddenly this morning, his temperature took a toll on his body until his heart stopped for more than two minutes. We got him back, but this was probably just one episode of many.”

If Mark had still been standing by now, not being pulled down by BamBam before, he would have dropped to the floor at that moment. He was trembling, Yugyeom reaching out to steady himself with his arm. They were shaken, but Youngjae tried again, stepping next to Jackson, voice wavering: “What does that mean? His heart stopped, but you saved him right? Shouldn’t he be fine now?” He internally cringed at his own words. When had he been fine to begin with?

The doctor sighed again, his forehead furrowed as he spoke up again: “Unfortunately, no. Mr. Park has been in a bad condition to begin with and these past months have shown no improvement moreover. We are inclined to keep him alive as long as possible, but his parents have been informed already and they agreed on shutting off life support should something like this reoccur. I am sorry, but it has been decided already. We wanted to inform you though, since you are the substitute guardians and his family asked us to.”

There was nothing they could do, just watch as everything crumbled down around them once again.


	8. "Last Song"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!! Epilogue is up as well.
> 
> Thank you so much for Reading this. I really struggled with the end and felt sorry for holding it back for this long. Still, I am satisfied with the results and am happy to share this with you!

“If I succeed at the end of this month again, I will leave for New York. JYPE has a great training institution there, working with many different instructors and teachers. I could even meet Rain-sshi!” Youngjae was sighing towards the sky, while Yugyeom took a long sip of his iced choco. BamBam leaned his head forward, sighing as well: “I can’t believe, that you are the first one of us to fly to New York! All the fashion and gourmet wasted on someone, who loves baggy clothes and fast food.”

“Hey, chipotle is a restaurant! The finest cuisine!” BamBam shook his head in defeat. “Yah, how come you are all here already? I think I have never seen BamBam being on time ever. How come?” Jackson walked casually towards them, Mark next to him looking refreshed as they joined their friends. Mark took the seat next to Youngjae, Jackson heading into the café with a short glance at Mark: “I am getting us something to drink. Do you want anything else, Hyung?” Mark thanked him with a headshake, leaning back with a sigh as Yugyeom stared at him. “What?” The youngest just shrugged his shoulders, taking another sip: “Nothing, hyung. Just thought…well, nothing.” Mark stared back for another ten seconds, before his eyes swayed towards BamBam. “Tell me, Bam-ah. You two are sharing the same braincell, so what is he trying to tell me by not telling me, hm?”

The younger huffed offended: “Rude, hyung! Gyeom is just curious, because you two seem so casual. I am too, to be honest. Guess we expected something else since you two are dating for over five months now.” The eldest blinked several times, before opening his mouth: “Expecting what?” Not wanting to let his Hyung be fried by the two evil maknaes, Youngjae stepped in with a disarming smile, hitting BamBam’s leg with his own under the table to get him to shut up. “Nothing much, Hyung. Just…you two are a couple now, right? So, we were expecting, I don’t know, something like more time for just the two of you. You walking together, holding hands. Being more affectionate with each other in general, but you feel like…always. Like before.” It was in times like these Youngjae felt the ache of missing Jinyoung the most. In the little things, their conversations, when he always knew how to talk well. He was never one to lie or even hide his intentions, but always polite and well-meaning with his words.

Mark snorted: “That’s it? You want us to be a love-dovey couple like those in movies or on campus? Not being able to unlatch themselves from each other? Sorry to disappoint your expectations, but I like us the way we are now.” He leaned back, watching the others, when a grin crept onto his face. His voice was nonchalant, when he shrugged: “Also, these are not my clothes. We came straight from Jackson’s, just so you know. So, we are fine, really.” Jackson came just in time to hear BamBam screeching “Ewww” loudly as Yugyeom was choking on his shake, wishing to forget everything. He raised an eyebrow at Mark, who just smiled back, more genuine now. The other forgot his questions as he took the chair on Mark’s other side. The eldest leaned forward, taking the drink from his hands, but instead of thanking him, he turned his head and pecked Jackson on the lips making everyone go ‘ewww’ all over again (mainly BamBam).

Youngjae was embarrassed at Mark’s affection towards their friend, but when he caught Jackson’s smitten grin, he sighed deeply. They really deserved some happiness after all of the pain, right? He wouldn’t be there for a whole semester, training in New York. He really wished for his friends to find their happiness in the little things like this. Youngjae was overjoyed when Jackson had told them, that Mark had confessed to him, asking him straight away, if he was interested in him and if yes, he wanted to be his boyfriend. As unaffected as always, straight to the point. Jackson didn’t falter either, too happy to finally see his best friends reciprocate his feeling of so long. Though, Mark and Jackson had realized fast, that their dynamics hadn’t changed much. They still hung out like before, shared stories and stuff with each other and occasionally showed skinship or affection for one another. That’s probably also, why their friends seemed confused at their comfortable and laid back way.

Mark was not sure, what he had expected himself from something like that, but since that incident a year ago, he just couldn’t get Jackson’s stare at Jang Wooyoung, who was now Youngjae’s manager, in front of JYPE out of his head. He had wrecked his brain for three whole months with everything else piling up on them, just to pop the question out, when they lied down on Jackson’s couch in his apartment one night, watching a movie. What was there to be scared off, Mark? He had thought to himself. Worst would be Jackson would reject him, before he could even figure out his own feelings and they would still stay friends. A confession was nothing, that would ever break any of them apart.

It was BamBam, who spoke up again after a while, his voice low, nearly a whisper: “We have nothing planned for Friday, right? My mother offered to prepare lunch boxes, we could drive down there and just eat something? I don’t really know what else is usual for-“ Youngjae’s hand squeezed BamBam’s thigh under the table as he smiled warmly at his friend, his voice soft even with its usual roughness: “Bam-ah, that sounds perfect. Nothing big, just us together. All seven of us.” Jackson sighed deeply: “Mark and I cleared our schedules for that day already, even if we had no plans, we also meet up anyways.” The solemn silence was disturbed, when Youngjae’s phone rung, he glanced at the display only to roll his eyes and get up: “Sorry, guys. I have to go and meet up with Wooyoung-hyung. We are going to the studio today, so I can’t be late.” They bid each other goodbye, before Youngjae hopped onto the bus down the street feeling anxious at once. He hoped everything would go well.

\--------------------------------------------------------------- 

“Are you sure? This seems really…personal. I won’t stop you, but I really don’t want you to get your feelings hurt in there. Minjun-hyung might be a nice sunbae to you normally, but when he is in the studio he could cut throats with his harsh words sometimes.” Youngjae fiddled with his necklace, running his thumb over the USB drive the whole time. Wooyoung was right, what if his song was no good? What if his friends were just being nice, when they said it was amazing or great? Maybe they just didn’t want to hurt his feelings? But it was too late now. He had spoken out his wish to present a new song today and once he had said so, he would not back down, even if it all ended up in a humiliation. He would do it.

“Don’t worry, Hyung. No pain, no gain, right?” The older sighed in defeat, mumbling more to himself as they entered the studio after a short knock: “Too much pain is no good, too.” Minjun was already expecting them, hung over his laptop as he pushed some buttons, bobbing his head. Wooyoung closed the door, making the elder look up with a neutral face. “Youngjae-ah, you are early. Young-ah, you are not late, surprising.” Wooyoung clutched his heart in mock hurt, shaking his head as he let himself fall onto the couch inside: “Ouch, the disrespect. Well, I am not here for myself, so I don’t mind being a little early.” Now Minjun’s gaze followed Youngjae, who stepped forward after taking a deep breath.

“Sunbae-nim, I brought a song I would like to present and perform at the showcase next week.” The older just looked at him unblinking, nodding at last. Youngjae stepped forward, handing the simple USB stick over. They listened in silence, the soft piano tunes and Youngjae’s sorrowful voice filling the small studio. Even after the song had come to an end, none of the three men spoke up in the vulnerable silence.“ Are you sure?” Minjun’s voice was heavy, his eyes focused on the various lines on his computer, intertwining and colorful. “Hah, that’s what I asked too. You see, Youngjae here wrote this all himself. A prodigy, no?”

Minjun ignored his annoying younger brother, watching the stick in his hands, turning it with utmost care: “What’s the title? If you want to, I am not going to stop you.” That’s all that Youngjae needed to hear as he sat down beside the other “I owe Hyung to win with my own efforts. Jaebeom-hyung paved the way I was too scared to walk on alone but now I am not anymore. There are so many people behind me. My family, my friends, you and Wooyoung-hyung. I am going to shine the brightest on the stage. I will do it. I will prove it.”


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farewell.

  
“I got no tickets, how about you?” Yugyeom kicked a stone in his way, swinging his legs as he walked. BamBam’s sunglasses nearly covered half of his face, making the grin on his face look like a mock: “Buying tickets? Why should I? Youngjae will either get them for us or we will receive them in a golden envelope by his idiot manager.” Yugyeom furrowed his eyebrows, his tone was mocking, so the sunglasses didn’t do much at all… “You are unbelievable. How can you be so shameless? We should try like everyone else and not get VIP tickets, that cost more than your shoes for granted.”

“Please, as if Youngjae’s concert could be more than my Louies. Why are you such a whiny kid?” Yugyeom stomped to underline that he was definitely not a kid, undermining his own credibility “I’m not! Also, we are getting VVIP tickets. Jackson-hyung called me this morning. He will pick them up in the evening.” BamBam’s mouth formed a surprised 'oh' before it melted into a wide grin: “Can’t believe our Youngjae made it that far in less than a year. What did they call him again? 7-months-trainee? He debuted with an album and a national tour right away. Crazy.”

Yugyeom threw an arm over his best friend’s shoulder, pulling him along: “Well, I always knew he would make it in the end. He suffered enough to deserve the world and now he is going to conquer it in his own way.” “Yah, I also believed in him from the start! Don’tmake yourself sound so important, giant.” Yugyeom gribbed him tighter, his arm turning into a chokehold, grinning: “What did you call me, chopsticks?!”  
“Get off me, you ugly duckling! This jacket costs more than your whole sneakers collection!” They wrestled on the sidewalk for another ten minutes, before giving up exhausted and calling it even. Yugyeom glanced at his watch, his eyes widening as he cursed. Before BamBam could even catch his breath, the taller was on a run, heading for the closest bus station. “Yah! Bam, come on! We promised Mark-hyung to be at the venue before three! He will kill us.” Seeing as they had less than half an hour left, BamBam grabbed his arm, hauling them both into a taxi he stopped unconventionally by jumping in front of it.

They were dead either way.

**\-------------------------------------------**

Youngjae was backstage, feeling dizzy at once. Lights and people kept flashing by like an ocean of movements. Yells and commands swirled around him, when the chants suddenly started. He closed his eyes, forcing his mind to calm down and concentrate. 7 songs. He had to get through all seven songs on his new album to succeed. The feedback and praise for selling out his first album entirely for a week was baffling. Youngjae couldn’t believe it at first but after working on the whole thing it felt like a miracle he had even survived.

Jackson had laughed at him after he had called him in a panic, rambling that the album was sold out on the fifth day after release. How could it be? They must have gone for a smaller batch than actually agreed upon. They aurely have come across some production issues. In the end it was none of it. Choi Youngjae had sold out his first mini album, which was also his debut. It was unbelievable. He could still remember Minjun's hoarse voice as if he was holding back his tears, calling to congratulate him on such a huge success.

“Youngjae-ah, three minutes to go. Get ready. I know you can do it, look for the sign and then get up, don’t worry, Nickhun-hyung is the MC for today!” Wooyoung put both hands on his shoulders, squeezing reassuringly before he stepped back, letting the make-up artist check her work one last time before giving her okay to go. This was it. The first concert of his life. The first of ten stops for the national tour before he was back in the studio working on the next pieces. Youngjae had struggled. He had lost and failed but in the end, it was all worth it for that very first breath he took, when everything was utterly silent.

The stage lit up and everything felt alive once again.


End file.
